Here for it  

I love psychology, ever since I was a teenager I wanted to be a psychologist but sadly what you want doesn't always happen... I am always reading books about human behavior, attachment style, love language and how to deal with a narcist or how to better love my partner as an avoidant.

Upon doing my research, Immediately I knew I could never be in a relationship with a preoccupied anxious attachment partner because that's recipe for disaster, the more they would cling to me the more I will run away because I am scared. At a very young age I determined that love was painful and  when you let people close to you that's how you get hurt because of some terrible experiences I had. While I am single, Now is the time for me to heal from those past traumas. Often times people think Trauma is a huge thing such as being severely abused but there some lower case T traumas and when those little traumas add up they begin shaping our views on the world. 

Chris and Huda

At casa amor Chris met Huda although they didn’t talk at first because he was interested in Chelley but when Chris saw how chelley was leaning towards choosing Ace he then started to explore a possible connection with Huda. They looked really good together Chris is 6’8 and a beautiful black man. He was very patient with Huda in the beginning, listened to her and told her he doesn’t mind that she’s a mom. He asked her questions about her daughter and they got along well. But towards the end of the season after they had sex Huda began acting controlling, bossy, she kept cutting him off when he was speaking to her about his feelings and she kept being defensive, and she would walk off when conflict arise between them. I think when Huda has sex with a man she becomes anxious and a little bit unhinged because she crossed another level of intimacy that she can’t take back. Which I understand, but she keeps forgetting that America is watching and even though people saw the cracks they still voted for her to be at the final. Guess what happened ? Huda and Chris broke up in the last episode. Chris disappointed me at first I thought he was a mature man, who’s emotionally intelligent but he’s very manipulative. He saw that he didn’t like Huda immediately after they had sex because of her antics and the way she was acting showed all the red flags she was hiding. He kept reassuring her when he knew there was no future for them. He didn’t even want Huda to meet his mother when it was family day he kept asking his family am I doing the right thing? He was looking for validation to break up with Huda but no one gave that to him. Let me tell you how manipulative he was, he didn’t want to break up with Huda himself because he was afraid of how people would portray him he didn’t want to be seen as the bad guy. He kept on pressuring her to make a decision about their future outside of the island and as soon as she said I think we should be friends he said I knew that what you were thinking I’ve been waiting for you to say it! The gaslighting! She was literally crying because I don’t think she wanted to break up with him but because he kept asking her to say how she feels so she said what she thought  he would want to hear. He had the nerve to say why are you crying then he proceeded to leave her at the table by herself and left her there to walk on the water in heels! So just because you break up with someone you can’t be nice to them? There was a reason you were with that person. You can be a gentleman and still keep your distance dude. 

I didn’t like the way Chris acted because that’s really petty and immature. He claimed to be emotionally mature but that was childish. What I learn from this couple is be honest with how you feel, leave as soon as you see the red flags don’t wait to see what will happen, take accountability because Huda took none, stop cutting someone off when they’re speaking about their feelings, listen to understand and not to respond, be with someone who matches your love language and who can provide a safe space for me to express that love. 

Avoidant attachment style:

A little while ago I said I was going to take a break from dating not that I was dating anyone lol but I said I was going to just look away from any dating prospects and just focus on me. During that time I have been working on myself especially on my attachment style. I am Sure you guys have seen me post avoidant attachment quotes without any context and some of you may have been wondering why I was posting that. Well, if you must know that’s my attachment style. This attachment style stem from the relationship you had with your caregivers in most cases the child didn’t feel safe, didn’t feel cared for emotionally, felt abandoned, experienced emotional abuse, physical abuse or verbal abuse and that’s where I’ve come from.

I want to start by saying the relationship I had with mother showed me what true love is and she did the best she could to raise me. She’s my role model, my first love, my best friend and the most important person in my life. I may not talk to anyone or reach out to anyone but I’ll always call her. She always made me feel safe, cared for, loved and spoiled me rotten. I had a great upbringing with my mom despite experiencing some traumatic experiences that she knew nothing about. Because of my relationship with my mother I am not fully avoidant. There are 2 types of avoidant there’s dismissive avoidant and there’s fearful avoidant. I have fearful avoidant attachment style which means I crave love but I am fearful of it, when I’m with someone the connection is great but once I’m away I become detached. It’s like I want you and no I don’t want you sort of like hot and cold ( I need to fix that before I meet my man, I won’t be fun to be in a relationship with. I am currently working on it) I run towards love when I am with someone in person because of the beautiful relationship I had with my mother she taught me what love is but leaving her at 15 years old created my avoidant attachment style. When I left my mother I felt abandoned, forgotten, alone, sad, uncared for because all my life I always cling to my mom and leaving her made me feel like I was being ripped off from my home which was my mother. I remember one day I told her “ you made a huge mistake sending me to America if I had an only daughter I would have never done that” when I said that to her as a child she was hurt. Of course I said that because I wasn’t happy where I was and I missed her but now I understood that she felt as if I told her she failed as a mother. To be honest sending me to America to have a better life was the best decision she could have made. We were able to have that difficult conversation and I apologized. Having a fearful attachment style really made it difficult for me to let people in, to have strong friendships or relationships with people because I always kept them at arms length. In my past potential relationships I would put in the effort in the beginning or when I was with them physically then suddenly I would stop when I felt the person getting closer to me. I love beginnings but I hate saying goodbye. I would run from every possible connection not because I didn’t love the person but because I was afraid they were going to hurt me. In my past I’ve experienced a lot of pain, emotional distress and turmoil and I need to take the time to heal from all of those awful experiences. The person who’s trying to get to know me and trying to establish a connection with me has no idea about any of that and when I run away from him he may take it as a sign that I am not interested. But I am! It’s just that I am scared to be vulnerable. I think one relationship that helped bring down my walls was the relationship I had with my best friend Jennifer. It wasn’t easy in the beginning, I was rude to her a couple times, I lied to get away from her but she was very patient and kind to me. She made me see how putting down your walls for somebody is not always bad and something beautiful can blossom. I will always love her because  she was truly an amazing support system and a great friend. The biggest misconception about me is that I am cold or too detached that couldn’t be further from the truth. Because I am not vocal about my feelings and I stay quiet about them  so people assume I don’t feel anything but I feel a lot of things very deeply! Which is why I always run away from deep connections because I know there’s potential for me to get my heart broken. When my heart is broken I get super depressed, nothing matters and I can’t function properly! Which is why I stay way from anything that makes me feel things deeply. But that’s not a good way to live because I’m empty! I have nothing or no connection to look forward to. 

The work that I am doing: journaling my thoughts and feelings. Identify when I am in avoidant mode or when I am in an anxious mode, to be gentle with myself and to remind myself that not everyone is bad. There are some amazing people and it’s okay to let those people in. I will always be cautious but when I see the signs that this person wants what’s best for me I need to let them in and fully allow myself to enjoy the connection instead of running away. I’ve been in therapy but now it’s time to do the work to get to a better attachment style where I will feel ready to be open to being vulnerable with my loved ones. 

Amaya and Bryan : this couple have taught me a lot about love. When Amaya came in I thought this is a really beautiful girl! But she’s different but not in a bad way. She was coupled up with Ace, but as soon as she got in the couple with him he told her “ don’t touch me , don’t kiss me and I’m not big on physical affection. Stay on your side and I’ll stay on my side”

He said that right after he picked her! Like dude what do you mean? You picked this girl but now you want nothing to do with her? Amaya cried and I fell for her. People kept voting for her to couple up with someone else but each time it never worked. The men kept saying she’s too touchy, she uses the word babe too much, she’s crazy … but she stayed true to herself. She never changed! She kept being the happiest girl even if some of the other men kept judging her or even isolate her. They had a game and they all said she’s too much but Bryan who was in a couple with someone else stood up for her he said “ as Hispanic we call each other other mi amor, babe a lot it’s just how we speak” I thought wait hold on that’s a man right there. The following day they begin talking and exploring their connection and he told her “ never stop being you, you are amazing just the way you are” he kept making her feel at ease and kept telling her she’s beautiful just the way she is inside and out. Yes Amaya and Bryan won this season! Their connection was genuine, pure and soooo beautiful I cried

What I learn: throughout my life I’ve met guys who told me that I am too much or that I don’t have enough experience because I’ve never been in a relationship. Some said I am too closed off, some said I’m too detached, some said I’m too clingy… but I know there’s someone out there for me who will love me with  all of my flaws. I am not broken, I am just misunderstood and one day the right guy will see me and love me for who I am. I will never stop being me! I am funny, I love cats, I love football, I like my alone time, I love to sleep, I love to eat, I love laughing and having fun, stylish, I love reading, loyal, honest and blunt, affectionate with the people I love, I am quiet but loud, hopeless romantic, scared of love but crave it, never been loved properly by any man who wasn’t my father, always felt misunderstood, reserved but confident… I have many great qualities and many flaws and my man will be lucky to have a girl like

Me by his side and I’ll be lucky to have him. Ugh I’m crying